Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I know a thing about contrition
'Cause I got enough to spare
And I'll be granting your permission
'Cause you haven't got a prayer...

At another Internet Cafe here. Went to the theme park yesterday and took just about EVERY ride (including the roller coasters, believe it or not). Took most of the rides alone though, 'cause my family were either:

1. GAMBLING

2. PRACTISING ARCHERY

I was even made fun of, what the fuck. From the way people looked at me, you'd think they'd never seen a girl walking alone before. Crazy pricks.

Anyway, got one more day here before I'll have to go back to boring Singapore. Have to spend two fucking weeks at my dad's place. Whee. What fun. (Note the sarcasm, please.)

Anyway, I miss loads of people: Le-yi (not KEITH), Zhaoye (believe it or not) and a certain...

*AHEM* (please figure that person out for yourself.)

Does nobody miss me too? T_T

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great...








Monday, May 28, 2007
If I've told you once
I've told you twice.
You can see it in my eyes
I'm all cried out
But nothing to say...

I'M IN GENTING!

Whee! Admit it, you're jealous. :P At an internet cafe here, typing out this entry. Some holiday this is. On what kind of motherfucking holidays do you have to bring your holiday homework with?! Hello! Holidays are meant to be FUN, not slaving over endless Math equations in a 5-star hotel room.

Got loads of new stuff - clothes, the usual trash, and even a ring. Probably will post pictures of the things when I get back to Singapore. Chatting with a bunch of people as I type this while bragging that I'm in Genting. To tell the truth, I'd pretty much rather be back in Singapore. I miss the food, the people (yes, even the bitches and pricks, believe it or not), not to mention the keyboard that actually fucking work without missing keys or laggy connections in Audition.

Hmm. Other than that, there's nothing much else of interest to post, except that I wanna do some more bragging about my House of the Dead: 4 shooting skills. Yesterday at the arcade here in Genting, I singlehandedly made it all the way to Chapter 5 with ONE credit!

Of course, besides the fact that I'd gotten B's for every round, I guess it was pretty good. Heh.

If I'm so wrong
How can you listen all night long...
How could it matter
After I'm gone
Because you never learn a goddamned thing...




Thursday, May 24, 2007
Where'd you go
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone...

CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS TO LE-YI AND KEITH!

Congratulations for passing that wickedly difficult Wedding Party in Audition! MAKE A BABY AND CALL IT THERESA! MUAHAHAHA!

And that's about the only exciting thing that happened today. So CONGRATULATIONS to me for my SHORTEST POST EVER!

I guess

That this is where we've come to

If you don't want to

Then you don't have to believe me

Wednesday, May 23, 2007
You seem to find the dark
When everything is bright
You look for all that's wrong
Instead of all that's right...

I made Lala angry just now by refusing to...um...accompany her to do something. I was surprised when she snapped back at me. I mean, I didn't do anything wrong, did I?!

When I texted her just now, she said she was still steamed at me. So I guess that's a goodbye to our best-friendship. Oh well. Hai.

I don't know if I should continue being friends with her. I mean, she CAN be a little overbearing by asking me to shut up at times, but still, she's the only good friend I've had so far that I can entrust with secrets and everything without divulging them to others. I can look for a new best friend, but now that I think about it, it's not worth the trouble and the pain building up such a strong friendship, because just one cut and the entire thing will fall to pieces.

Oh yeah, on a brighter note, we had our class' phototaking session. I probably looked hideous, but I won't know until I see the snaps. I also took informal shots with Darshaana, Priya, Farah and Elfira in a group, and the photographer asked me to pose with my hand on my hip, like from "8 Days" Magazine. I tried - with horrible results. The other girls laughed so hard I laughed too, but it wasn't funny for me, I can tell you. Bleah.

Anyway, I also watched the "Chu-Lip" video by Ai Otsuka. She's so chio and gorgeous and pretty! And though the video makes not much sense whatsoever, she's a pleasure to watch, because this is the first time I've seen such a cute girl being silly in a music video!

Also completed the online survey after school. It was pretty boring and I put pretty much "Average" for almost all questions.

No apologies
I never thought you'd be so
Easily deceived...








Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Tell me
Have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say
"I'm sorry"
Can't you see...
'Cause that's the way I feel, about you and me, baby...

Was reading Dawn Yang's blog about her Fashion Chronicles, so I decided to do one too! Whee!

Anyway, I'd really, really, really love to dress as a Japanese, their clothes are so unique and trend-setting!

Such as these:




The Schoolgirl Look (which I mentioned in a previous post)

Casual Japanese Girls

Aren't they just so chio?! Damn, I wanna dress like them!

But of course, it'd be a direct rip-off if I copied their style exactly, so I could spice it up with:

Ties

Colorful Hairbands




Long Striped Socks

So you've just heard the ravings of a fashion-setter-wannabe!

And now, onto the next topic:

Short-tempered. I KNOW I am. I get annoyed and offended too easily. But lately, it seems like I've been treating Sky very differently.

Ever since she's gotten a boyfriend (just like Le-yi and Keith), she's been upstaging me constantly in front of him just to get a few laughs out of him, like making fun of my playing and saying things like "(bla bla), yeah, she can't compare to you."

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I KNOW I can't ever compare to that perfect man of yours, but that's no goddamnned reason to mock me in front of him!

I don't think she is even aware she's hurting me, but she IS. So I've been so much colder to her now, more snappish, more annoyed, and more impatient with her, but she's so infatuated with that boyfriend of hers she doesn't even realise it.

I'm not being jealous (I don't need to be). I'm just angry at her. She can't understand. Even if she finally did come to, she wouldn't care much. Oh, she's just jealous of us. That's no reason to break up just because of HER.

Fucking goddamnned world! Isn't there at least just ONE PERSON, who won't be influenced or changed so easily by others? I'm beginning to lose all the trust and friendship I've ever had.

Damn regret, I'll try to forget
Don't worry about me
'Cause I'm refined
Cast my line
To see what's behind
Did you think
You persuaded me
To let you go?




Monday, May 21, 2007
At first
When I see you cry
And it makes me smile
Yeah, it makes me smile...

Received a call yesterday night while having dinner at Westmall from Hughes. Seemed like Ben wanted to talk to me to tell me that one of his friends wanted to "jio" me. -.-

Later today, I found out more about that guy. His name is Jonathan, he's from my school, and is either Secondary 3 or 4. And I know who he is now!

Actually, to confess, I thought Jonathan was cute too, haha. But he just wants to "jio" me because he thinks I'm chio. Oh well. Can't win 'em all. At least I've got another one to add to my list of...let's see...1927194691234698162471203170293710370127409172097331908 admirers.

xD! YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT I WAS SERIOUS? *GASP*
I only have 3 or 4 so far, not counting this new guy. Lol. Pathetic. :P

Anyway, after school, headed to McDonald's and ate lunch with Lala, met the other guys (Hambali, Haziq, Irfan, Gabriel, Darshaana, Priya, Farah and Elfira) there. Then when we returned to school for the photo-taking session, only about a quarter (or less, I believe) of the class was present, so the photo-taking was postponed...

To WEDNESDAY!

Honestly, how selfish can the teachers possibly get?! I was planning to watch Saw 3 on Wednesday, too! Argh!!!

So went home, played Audition until the fucking advertisement for fucking casino betting popped up and disrupted the game, and started chatting with a few people, trying desperately to cancel the onslaught of advertisement and Application Error windows, which seem hell-bent on driving me fucking crazy.

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone...







Thursday, May 17, 2007
When you go
Would you have the guts to say
I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yester...day...

Hmm. I've been thinking a lot about love and shit like that. Maybe I should just stop moping about what I don't have and start badmouthing it instead. Muahaha.

To tell the truth, I'd rather play the field than stick to just one guy. Plus, I know that I'd soon get bored of the same guy (I'm evil, I know) and start looking around for other "targets". So if anyone asks me why I'm not jealous of who-and-who's relationship (I'M NOT HIGHLIGHTING ANYBODY IN PARTICULAR!), I'll just say, "Why should I? It's not like it will last."

Now that I think about it, what's the point of even BEING jealous? It just makes me hate the person(s) whom I'm jealous of. So, to all the goddamned fuckers who just say I'm just a hater and shit, guess what?

I DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE.

And to think I got my brand new heck-care-about-love-and-just-focus-on-the-essential-shit from my new role model, Maou.

I love my new attitude! Being a "don't-carer" seems so much better than being emo (AGAIN, I'M NOT HIGHLIGHTING ANYTHING).

So, if you wanna call me a bitch who's simply hiding her jealousy behind a seemingly nonchalant attitude, you'll know what my new signature reply will be.

I. DON'T. FUCKING. CARE. SO, FUCK OFF!

Muahaha!

Anyway, I have orange eyes! At least, they're only hazel (T_T) but they look almost orange under the sunlight. That's probably the only feature I like about my face. I wanna have red/blue/purple eyes! But I guess having a unique eye color may not match with my face, so I guess I'll have to settle for just plain, ordinary, BORING, hazel.

She sits in a corner
Singing herself to sleep
Wrapped up in all of the promises
That no one seems to keep...






Wednesday, May 16, 2007
If this is what he wants
And it's what she wants
Then why is there so much pain

Went out today with Derrick, Le-yi and Keith. We (me and Le-yi) met Derrick at Causeway Point. I managed to recognize him! Then we fooled around a little and went to Swensens, and I had fish and chips and Keith joined us a while later. Then Le-yi and Keith went off and me and Derrick went to the arcade and played for a bit, then walked around a little and chatted.

Then we went back home.

Now for the confession.

I admit I was being emo for the sake of it, and also because I was influenced by my friends. But now that I've failed FOUR fucking subjects, how can I face my parents, much less myself?

I think I'll probably end up being emo. Everyone keeps telling me to work harder and not to give up, but what's the point of it all? I wish studies were but an afterthought to everyone.

FUCK STUDIES.

Moving on, it's my time
You never were a friend of mine
Hurt at first, a little bit
But now I'm so over
I'm so over it




Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Hold on
If you feel like letting go
Hold on
It gets better than you know

I just found this website: http://www.papergirlsshop.blogspot.com/

It's sort of an online clothes shop, I think. The clothes are all so NICE! I badly want:





Striped Off-Shoulder (The Top)


and





Schoolgirl (The black top and skirt)

I especially want the Schoolgirl number, Japanese style is SO in! It's SOLD OUT! T_T

Anyone willing to buy them for me? :D *halo appears above head*

Other than the clothes, nothing interesting happened today, except that I watched the movie Deja Vu (on DVD) and FELL ASLEEP.

I think I'm beginning to feel more annoyed nowadays than depressed.

Oh, my love
Please don't cry
I'll wash my bloody hands
And we'll start a new life
I don't know much at all
And I don't know wrong from right
All I know is that
I love you tonight




Monday, May 14, 2007
I'm sitting here all by myself
Just trying to think of something to do
Trying to think of something, anything
Just to keep me from thinking of you

Geez. Lately I've been acting like a bitch, with up-and-down feelings. Le-yi now has a boyfriend, and they went out together to VivoCity yesterday. The way she described everything they did, like holding hands, talking, walking around, feeding each other popcorn in the movie theatre...it makes me feel so very jealous of them.

I've had too many ex-boyfriends before, but the furthest I ever went with one was just holding hands, and my palms sweated like fuck. I'm fucking jealous of Le-yi, and I ADMIT it.

Why can't I have a boyfriend who I won't tire of after a few days of being with him?

Last night, me and Le-yi slept together (NO, FAGGOT, NOT IN "THAT" WAY) and we both stayed up for AT LEAST AN HOUR chatting with guys on the phone - Le-yi with her boyfriend, and me with Derrick a.k.a Dicky Bird. We laughed like hell and damn, my phone bill's gonna be sky-high this month.

I've just realised I've been depressed something awful for a long time, over the stupidest and most trivial matters - jealousy of popularity, love and friendship. I don't have any really true friends I can confide in without worrying that they'll spread it over the global media. I don't even have a best friend who would listen to me without criticizing me or laughing at me, even if I don't think its funny. I don't even have a boyfriend who would be as sweet and as romantic to me as Le-yi's boyfriend is to her.

DAMN, I'M FUCKING JEALOUS.

Anyway, yesterday, I viewed Maou on the webcam. He nearly scared me into jumping out of my skin by showing a scary-looking doll! He wore a thick pair of oversized frames (the latest trend besides ties!) so I couldn't see his eyes, damnit, but he refused to remove the glasses. He looks just like how he appears in his photos, haha. Maybe I WILL get to see him someday without those ridiculous glasses.

ANYWAY, off Maou now, I helped my dad wash his car after chatting with Maou, and then went off to play bowling at a country club in Bukit Batok. The place was great! I loved the pool! The slides were dope and there was one awesome tidal pool! Damn, I wanna go!

And I guess that about ends it for this post.

I'm lying awake at night
Counting the minutes I spend alone
I'm asking the heavens, and myself
"Why can't I have somebody to love?"







Friday, May 11, 2007
When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul

Turns out my sister failed three of her tests. She had to tell my parents and ended up crying and blubbering so miserably and wailing how she wished she could die that I felt sympathetic for her. As I watched her, I thought,

Would that be me next week, when I get back my results?

I don't wanna stay back in boring Singapore. I wanna go to Malaysia and KL and Genting and buy loads of shit and have some fun before grinding my ass back in my studies when I return from Malaysia from a six-day holiday.

Mentally, I made out this list:

English PASS
Math FAIL
Chinese UNDECIDED
Science UNDECIDED
Home Economics PASS
Literature PASS
History PASS

UNDECIDED means that I'm unsure of whether or not I'll pass OR fail.

Four guarantees of passes. Three unknowns. Shit. Not good.

Damn, looks like I WILL stay back in Singapore after all.

Fuck it.

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven




Tuesday, May 8, 2007
He said "Son, when
You grow up
Would you be
The saviour of the broken
The beaten and the damned?"

Finally I got a new blog. Not too happy about the layout, but I'll have to live with it. Its not the end of exam week yet, but I'm blogging about shit instead of studying. Bleh.

Lately I've been feeling so lowly of myself. I have nothing to be unhappy about, but I'm such a fuckingly ungrateful bitch, so I have every reason to hate myself. I despise my complexion, my face, my nose, my hair, my figure, my weight, my height, my unpopularity, my stupidity and my plainness.

Let's face it.

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

What's with all the vulgarities and my moods? I don't understand me, and that gives me more reason to hate me. I'm rarely happy for long. Nobody can understand how I really feel, because I mask my tears behind a loud laugh.

Why can't I be taller?

Why can't I be prettier?

Why can't I be more popular?

Now, before you start telling me those things don't matter, for me, guess what?

THEY DO FUCKING MATTER.

I'm fucking dense and shallow and I cry far too easily. Everyone says I have a fun personality, but what's the use? Everyone is much more popular and prettier than me, so what's the fucking use of having a fuckingly fun personality?

I think that's more than enough vulgarities and depression for one post. I'm just gonna fuck off and mope away in my mind as I scroll down the list of contacts in my phone and my MSN list, envying them for all they have.

And now as I sit here crying
The tears that you'll never see
I pray, I wish and I hope
That you'll be happier without me.